Musings of a recovering...

For life?

Tension, nerves, frustration, control, and all sorts of other words for the feelings that come and go day in and out: they require an ability to roll-with-the-punches to survive. Historically I haven’t been flawless at letting things go, but isn’t that the case for everyone? I believe some people cope with anger but my coping mech of not-my-choice seems to be depression.

Widespread despair in the future, an epidemic of loneliness, meeting so many elderly who are really scared of the outside world ... embracing the feelings associated with those thoughts just seems to happen. I don’t believe the world is fucked nor do I think improvement is impossible. I seem to have depression and previously thought that I should limit my exposure to upsetting topics like drug abuse, poverty and talking to the opposite political party. I don’t doubt my depression would be easier to control if I changed my interests, but, seriously, how do you change interests. If you’re truly interested, then there’s no going back. You just have to get through it.

I’m not done on the sad topics. Depression gets piqued but management is possible. Therapy is expensive so I go for meds and oversharing with friends. The oversharing somehow happens a lot and not just with close friends: not so much that I share, but that the other party does. As mentioned, I agree with the idea that there’s an epidemic of loneliness. More people need therapist? Yes but probably in a different way. Community support workers aim to put trained peers in the communities to get recognized and compensated for this type of work.

Now for some bragging. I exercise, engage socially, limit my drinking, pursue meaningful work, have lots of support and still the depression feels, to varying degrees, omnipresent. Meds gave me a taste of not feeling turned off for the first time in so long that sometimes I just walk outside and cry. I can’t live that way: expressing emotions so openly, but the medication lets me tap into that. I feel open to appreciating life even after the peak effects, but the feeling does fade. Dosage increases are scary so I back off. ::deep breath:: this pursuit of balance will be for the rest of my life