Musings of a recovering...

12-29-2023: Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeek

Is it bright? Open your eyes to see, but that's not what this is about. There's daylight but it's the ears that wake up first. There's a gruggling hiss coming from seemingly everywhere. Keep your eyes closed hard, pull under the warmth of the blankets just a bit more and will away the interruption. Come on brain, work with me!

For 15 seconds I mount a failing denial. It has happened again: there's a new day and my brain and I are arguing. If I were better at mindfulness, I'd be observing these sensations with an arms length detachment but I'm annoyed. Breath in, feel the annoyance, breath out and get ready for the next moment. Sometimes it works. Please work now.

Writing can help. I read that offline so it might be true, but I've also read it online. 5 days into whatever this is and I need a break but it's not looking good, but I'm deep in this soup so my perspective can't be trusted. I knew this was coming since all the triggers could be seen in the planning. Wouldn't the smart thing be to avoid tempting fate so boldly? Don't fall into the trap of blaming others. There's something to learn here.

Don't take these trips? Don't be fucking dumb?

How about trying declarations? Take responsibility for letting yourself stay in this mood. Act differently.

Why does it feel best to just stare out of a window and defocus my eyes? There are a few thoughts but it's mostly to kill time. I don't trust my thoughts but passing time this way feels comfortable and I want the comfort. I'm stuck in a loop of fearing that I'll forever be uncomfortable. My belly hurts as I reread that sentence and try to swallow.

Think. Think. Think. Reread the notes I wrote from the backend of other spirals.

It's still hard to ignore the squeek.